Something struck me the other day, and I’m not really sure where it came from. The mind is kind of crazy that way, huh? We have these epiphanies about parts of our life that we weren’t even consciously thinking about, but suddenly it all makes sense.
I have to be honest, for a while there, I forgot I had a brother. Maybe it’s me living in Malibu and you in Venice. Some out of sight, out of mind shit. Maybe it’s you doing what you’ve been doing, me not agreeing with it, and blocking you out entirely. Maybe it’s the two of us not really reaching for each other, and that connection most siblings have just kind of dimming out for us. Whatever it is, it was weird. It was like I’d been born a single child.
Which is bizarre to me. Because looking back, and seeing everything our family has been through, remembering that I grew up with you just a step behind me the entire way, visualizing important moments in my life and realizing that you were there… it’s all mind-blowing.
You have no other siblings, and neither do I. We were all we were given. Which is something I’ve been bitching about for years, because I’ve been wanting a sister since I can remember. But when you really stop and think about it, all we ever had was each other.
When everything with mom & dad blew up, you & I were the only two in our own situation. Nobody else was in our position. Nobody else felt what we did, struggled through our pain, fought through that shock and anger the way we did.
At that point in time, there was only one other person on planet earth that felt how I did. And that person was you. At that point in time, there was only one other person on planet earth that felt how you did. And that person was me.
That’s what we’ve been for each other. The reassurance that we weren’t alone. That what we feel and the things we’ve seen and the emotions we’ve had to go through step by step were being shared with someone else. My struggles were yours, even if they were taken a different way.
And recently, you’ve been going through your own shit, and that’s okay. But there is a time to grow and face things for what they are. Things cannot always be so romanticized. Sometimes, we have to look at this filthy life for exactly what it is, call it on its bullshit, and move on.
And you know that.
You’re a smart kid. Nobody has ever doubted that, not even for a minute. Not me. Not mom. Not dad.
But I will say, I’m sorry.
Because in a time of frustration, I abandoned you. I distanced myself, just like you did to me. I stopped reaching out. I convinced myself I didn’t give a fuck. And that is no one’s error but mine.
Let me tell you, you’re a pain in the ass, there is NO denying that one. But that is such a minuscule and irrelevant part of our relationship.
Shit happens, and I know that. But there is never a moment when I want you to feel like I’m not standing behind you. Ever. And that’s where I screwed up.
So this is my promise.
That my pride will never overpower my love for you.
That while I may not always show it so obviously, the love I have for my little brother is something no one will ever understand. It’s different than any love I have for anyone on this planet.
That I’m fully aware that I was put here to protect you, and I will never stop doing that.
That I will soften life’s blows when they become too much for you to handle alone.
That I will love and ignore everything/anything else. Because YOU are what matters. That’s as simple as it sounds. There is nothing complicated about that.There is no questioning or doubt to that concept. That is as true as it gets.
That I will never stop smacking you around, because I’m having just as much fun as you are.
That I will continue to get angry with you until the day I die, but that I will defend you forever.
That you are stronger than you could ever understand, and I will spend as much time as I need to in order to prove that to you.
That no matter how many times I tell you to go fuck yourself, what I really mean is… okay no yeah, I probably just mean go fuck yourself…
That life is gonna put you and I on some crazy twists and turns, but we’re gonna take them together, cause a journey with your best friend is a hell of a lot better than a journey alone.
Make the changes you want to see for yourself. Watch what happens to your world when you defeat yourself in the areas you need to be defeated. Don’t run from pain, but accept it for what it can give to you. Give out endless love to those around you, because Lord knows that’s all this world needs. Be the Noah I grew up with, because he was one of the most incredible people I’ve ever been lucky enough to know, and he’s still here. I can tell. I see him in certain moments. He shines.
Be you, Noah. Because everything about you is so much more than good enough.